Snot funny

We had an incident yesterday. A trip to the pediatrician and seconds away from a trip to a specialist. Buckle up, here we go:

At about 12:30pm I was making Scooby-Doo mac and cheese (not related, but thought you may want to know) and I heard Jake start wailing in the bathroom. I rushed in there and he was standing there holding his face and bawling. I started looking for blood and asked him what happened. "The thing--gulp, sob--the thing hurt my nose, mom." "What thing Jake, what's wrong?" "THE THING, MOM!" I looked all around the bathroom trying to figure out what THING could have hurt him and told him to calm down and tell me what the problem is. "The flashlight..." (He's been playing with a mini-flashlight for the last few days.) "How did the flashlight hurt you?" Wait for it...

"It's in my nose."

Um, WHAT? "I put the flashlight in my nose."

Well, I didn't see the flashlight dangling out of his nose, so I knew that couldn't be it. But I had him tip his head back and what did I see? Besides an ungodly amount of snot, I saw a small battery. The mini-flashlight battery. And that sucker was not going to come out, especially because of the now hysterical 3-year-old who thought his right nostril might be a fun place for that battery to hang out.

So an hour and a half later we were squeezed in to the pediatrician's office. This was the scene when we got into a room: The medical assistant walks in and starts talking to Jake. "So, what brings you in today?"

"I stuck a battery up my nose."

A muffled giggle. She looks at me, "I'm sorry, that's not funny." No, I'm thinking, It's not funny. Snot funny at all.Then the doctor comes in and she asks me, "Did you watch him do it?" Heck yeah, I told him to shove some more stuff up there, too. "Um, nooooo." But I actually knew what she meant. "I don't think anything else is up there. I asked him and he said it's only the battery."

Silence. I can hear her thinking: Mmm hmm. And your child is obviously totally reliable at this point.

Three terrifying tweezer-like instruments and one very swollen and bloody nostril later, the doctor says, "If I can't get it out with this one, I'll have to send you to the ENT specialist." (ENT=Ear, Nose and Throat but the words in my head were Expensive, Never-going-to-live-this-down and Traumatic). I found myself uttering a prayer I never thought I'd have to pray. Please, God let this woman be able to yank the battery out of my son's nose so we can afford some Christmas presents (with no small parts) for him and his brother.

And the Holy Spirit heard my groans and the Almighty released the battery along with a fistful of rust-colored snot. You think I'm being dramatic? After restraining a thoroughly horrified 3-year-old by having him sit on my lap, wrapping one leg around both of his, holding both his arms down with my right, and holding his bucking head still with my left, I think ...you don't know what drama is.