Friday, November 30, 2007

Snot funny

We had an incident yesterday. A trip to the pediatrician and seconds away from a trip to a specialist. Buckle up, here we go:

At about 12:30pm I was making Scooby-Doo mac and cheese (not related, but thought you may want to know) and I heard Jake start wailing in the bathroom. I rushed in there and he was standing there holding his face and bawling. I started looking for blood and asked him what happened. "The thing--gulp, sob--the thing hurt my nose, mom." "What thing Jake, what's wrong?" "THE THING, MOM!" I looked all around the bathroom trying to figure out what THING could have hurt him and told him to calm down and tell me what the problem is. "The flashlight..." (He's been playing with a mini-flashlight for the last few days.) "How did the flashlight hurt you?" Wait for it...

"It's in my nose."

Um, WHAT? "I put the flashlight in my nose."

Well, I didn't see the flashlight dangling out of his nose, so I knew that couldn't be it. But I had him tip his head back and what did I see? Besides an ungodly amount of snot, I saw a small battery. The mini-flashlight battery. And that sucker was not going to come out, especially because of the now hysterical 3-year-old who thought his right nostril might be a fun place for that battery to hang out.

So an hour and a half later we were squeezed in to the pediatrician's office. This was the scene when we got into a room: The medical assistant walks in and starts talking to Jake. "So, what brings you in today?"

"I stuck a battery up my nose."

A muffled giggle. She looks at me, "I'm sorry, that's not funny." No, I'm thinking, It's not funny. Snot funny at all.Then the doctor comes in and she asks me, "Did you watch him do it?" Heck yeah, I told him to shove some more stuff up there, too. "Um, nooooo." But I actually knew what she meant. "I don't think anything else is up there. I asked him and he said it's only the battery."

Silence. I can hear her thinking: Mmm hmm. And your child is obviously totally reliable at this point.

Three terrifying tweezer-like instruments and one very swollen and bloody nostril later, the doctor says, "If I can't get it out with this one, I'll have to send you to the ENT specialist." (ENT=Ear, Nose and Throat but the words in my head were Expensive, Never-going-to-live-this-down and Traumatic). I found myself uttering a prayer I never thought I'd have to pray. Please, God let this woman be able to yank the battery out of my son's nose so we can afford some Christmas presents (with no small parts) for him and his brother.

And the Holy Spirit heard my groans and the Almighty released the battery along with a fistful of rust-colored snot. You think I'm being dramatic? After restraining a thoroughly horrified 3-year-old by having him sit on my lap, wrapping one leg around both of his, holding both his arms down with my right, and holding his bucking head still with my left, I think don't know what drama is.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Turkey Day and a nurse's ramblings

I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was a little hectic after Dan broke a rib playing tackle football (minus pads plus an absurd amount of testosterone) in the annual Turkey Bowl. So my morning was spent making food for 2 get-togethers and rummaging through the medicine cabinet for left over Vicodin and having to get the kids ready by myself as Dan grimaced on the couch. Poor baby, there's nothing you can do for broken ribs besides pain control, but at least he's getting out of changing dirty diapers for a while.

Dinner at the Stumps was great, and dinner at the Alcorns was great, and my stomach didn't feel quite as great after choosing to eat full meals at both. But isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about? Just kidding, I spent the whole day being thankful for all my blessings, not just Rolaids. I had to go straight from my parents to work (yeah holiday night shift pay), so the kids spent the night there to help out the Broken Rib...I mean my husband.

I know, I'm a nurse and I have the nurse habit of referring to people by their diagnosis instead of their name. I try not to, but sometimes it's just easier, and yes I'll admit it, a lot more amusing to do so. Examples? There was the "'I swear I'm not pregnant' teenager in full-term labor" in room 20 the other day. And the "I'm having 10/10 abdominal pain yet I'm currently downing a large bag of Cheetos" in room 15. And the ever popular "I claimed I was having chest pain so I'd get back to a room faster but really I have dental pain and want nearly lethal amounts of Demerol" in room 2. Just a little insight into my job as an ER nurse.

The Broken Rib and I could refer to our kids by their complaints as well. There's Jake "Ty keeps stealing my hot wheels and that's why I kicked him in the head" Stump and Ty "the last bruise on my face is almost gone so I thought jumping of the coffee table into the middle of Jake and his hot wheels would be a good idea" Stump.

I should be thankful no one calls me Ang "we should probably put her husband and kids in protective custody related to all of their suspicious injuries" Stump.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Know your cars

Anyone who knows Jake knows that he likes cars. Actually that's the understatement of the year...he is OBSESSED with cars. And ever since he could attempt the words, he would correctly identify them and remember which person had which vehicle. For a long time it was "toh-toh-toh" for Toyota and "naw-naw" for Honda, but he'd get it right EVERY time. It used to freak me out, and it still does every once in a while when he's only seen the side of a car that has no logo or words on it anywhere. Especially ones like SAAB or Daewoo. So no car has ever been just a "white car" or "big car." Including his hot wheels. Take a look.

He's right on every one of them by the way. And that was my first take. I'm not exaggerating when I say he'd rather go to a parking garage than a toy store. But he's a cute little freak, isn't he?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Ugly baby updates

If you haven't seen my blog from July about my ugly children, read that first so you have some background.

Okay, now that you're sufficiently the Ugliest Child of November, 2007:I was trying to get a picture of the hideous bruise over his right eye (just FYI, falling head first off a chair into the corner of the fireplace may result in some facial-mangling.)

Yes, the good child, I mean Jake, is still alive. And yes, I know I've been neglecting to blog about him lately. I swear I give him a little attention every once in a while. When I'm not stopping a flow of blood, or trying in vain to scoop a mountain of baby powder back in the container, or using a fire hose to clean the kitchen after dinner...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Quotes of the day

Because Felix cannot remain indoors while Ty is eating (see previous post, and picture Ty's excessively ketchupped hands being licked raw), he's whining outside and I keep telling him to be quiet.
Jake: "No Fewix, we will not let you in...not by the hair on our chinny chin chins."

Ty's quote of the day: "No teh-tup head, daddy pank a bahbahm." (Again, see previous post.) And yes, the fear of daddy has nipped the intentional ketchup smearing in the bud. Hopefully tomorrow his quote will be "I will eat everything with the proper utensils, and not leave any food remnants behind on any part of my anatomy. And my mom is the coolest."

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Teh-tup and other food disasters

Ty is getting quite verbal. Know what his favorite sentence is right now? "No teh-tup head, daddy pank a bahbahm." (No rubbing ketchup on my head or daddy will spank my bottom.) The kid is a disaster, head to toe, after eating. Every day. Three times a day. Ever since the first bite of rice cereal. And he wonders why I won't give in when he asks me to put ketchup on his pancakes and in his soup.
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You can tell Felix has caught on to the fact that food is always falling off Ty's hands and face while he's in the highchair. Oh, and I forgot that it's not just mealtime. That last picture is of a green crayon he was munching on. I had to hose the green off his chin, hands and arms. Well, at least there was no teh-tup involved.